Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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