Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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