He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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