So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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