I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
