So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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