i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
