How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
