Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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