wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
