Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
