You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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