I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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