I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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