I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
