You smell like a Billy Joel song
farters have to be the big spoon...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I supernannyed him into submission
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
