I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
