i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
