from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
