We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
