how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
