I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
