I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
