Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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