I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
