you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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