i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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