oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
