my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
