I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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