You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
