He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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