My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
