So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
