I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
