tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
