My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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