Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have tasted many bathrooms
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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