it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
