I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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