I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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