if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
