I'm so fucking centered right now
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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