i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
