you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
