I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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