just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
