The police scanner is talking about you again....
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
