Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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