I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
