there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
