I am puke
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
